—Satire—

When the Speaker of the House wants to announce something momentous, her first call goes to Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter of the Mighty Canada Free Press. Hugh, winner of the coveted Rachael Maddow “Conservative Reporter I Hate Most 2020 Award” and a man respected by both sides of the aisle in Foggy Bottom, was only too happy to oblige. Within two hours of her call, the reporter flew his private jet from Wynstone, South Dakota to Washington D.C. and was pressed into service by the Speaker who was removing paintings from the halls of Congress.

“Here, grab this,” Pelosi told him as she handed down a portrait of a former Speaker of the House from atop a ladder. Hugh obliged.

Our ANTIFA supporters are doing the noble work of tearing down racist statues

“Why are we doing this?” Hugh inquired naturally.

“Because we must erase from our history any last vestiges of racism and some of my forebears had questionable views on race and slavery,” she replied.

“Who determines that?’ Hugh pressed her.

“Well I do, being of impeccable credentials when it comes to racial matters.”

“Why not just let history be history and face the fact that our ancestors were not perfect and sometimes along the way some were a bit unsavory, or prejudiced?”

“No, the time is right, the country is in ferment, our ANTIFA supporters are doing the noble work of tearing down racist statues and—-“

“—-You mean like Ulysses S. Grant, who defeated the Confederate Army and, as President, promoted civil rights for blacks? Hugh pressed her.

“Well there always be some collateral damage…but that is not why I called you here.”

“What then could be worse than tearing down statues, removing paintings of past historical figures and renaming schools all in the name of political correctness?”

“It’s about our past presidents,” she continued, “many were slave owners and it is time for a reckoning. Since we are batting a thousand and have successfully impeached President Trump and our impeachment machine is well oiled, we are going to—“

“—Don’t tell me!” Hugh cried.

“Yes we are going take on a new project since we in the House have done nothing useful for awhile. We are going to conduct Post Mortem Impeachment of those dead Presidents who owned or had in their possession a slave.”

“On what charges?”

“Pre-death Felony Racism,” “Pre-death Possession of a Slave,’ and others to be announced. We’ll decide this as we go—just as we did with Trump impeachment. It does all the right things: appeals to the Left wing base of our party, acts as a deterrent to others who may have a desire to own slaves—such as most Republicans—punishes the slaver Presidents ex post facto and will appeal to all right thinking, compassionate Americans.”

“How can they defend themselves now that they are dead?”

“We are considering disinterring them so that they can at least confront the charges—in respectful urns of course, and sitting at counsel table. This shows that we are—“

“—Grave diggers?” asked Hugh in disbelief.

“—No, patriots who are ashamed of our past and the sin of racism. It shows the respect that we hold for the descendants of slavery.”

“So, Hugh continued, you are saying that any former politician, president or public figure who once held racist views should be shamed, his memorials or paintings removed, his namesake buildings or schools renamed and his memory erased from history?”

“Yes, absolutely!”

“Then any such person who once belonged to a secret organization that advocated for the killing of blacks, hanging black men and castrating them, burning down black homes and who promoted the destruction of the black race should be shamed? That sort of person?”

“By all means, yes!” Nancy declared emphatically.

“Then how about Senator Robert Byrd—once the Exalted Cyclops of a Klan chapter—who referred to blacks as ‘race mongrels’? Must we retire his images, rename dozens of namesake Byrd buildings and highways? Destroy his monuments?”

[………Cricket noises………]

“Well?” Hugh demanded.

“He is different,” Nancy replied sheepishly. “He was, after all, a liberal Democrat. His sins may be forgiven.”